When you start dating a horse girl, you know from the beginning that it’ll never work.
They smell funny, they use words you don’t understand, they spend all their free time at the barn, and spend an exorbitant sum of money on their ‘hobby.’ After your first date with a horse girl, you know it won’t work, but you decide to go on a few more dates because she’s a lot of fun and you figure you might as well stick around long enough to get a pony ride or two.
You expect to fail, but as many a veteran horse husband will tell you, failing is no easy task. They suck you in and, before you know it, you’ve fallen in love. You are married. You are following your wife around to horse shows, picking stalls, holding stuff, and taking millions of pictures. Worse yet, you start riding and even have a horse of your own.
A lot of people have written about what it takes to be a successful horse husband, but there are very few manuals for how to fail. That’s why I’ve compiled this list of 5 simple rules.
1. Don’t Listen. Don’t try to understand.
Horses are super important to her. She wants to talk about them all the time, but you don’t know the first thing about them. You’ve gone your entire life without knowing about dressage or ‘sheath cleaning.’ Why start learning now? Why even bother having a conversation about what’s important to her, when you can sit in silence and scroll through Facebook until your time together comes to an end?
If you don’t take an interest, there’ll be no connection, no middle ground, and no chance of relationship. If you don’t take an interest in horses, you’re bound to fail at being a horse husband.
2. Refuse to help
She will ask to to help. It may event happen on your first date.
She won’t necessarily ask for much. Water horses. Muck a few stalls. It may not seem like much, and it might even seem necessary to help if you are going to make your dinner reservation. But before you pick up that hose or rake, remember this: the minute you start to help, you are starting to understand what she does (see #1). More than this, you are beginning to actively support her lifestyle. If you want to fail at being a horse husband, you can’t provide any hint of approval. She’ll want to involve you in this life from the very beginning. It’s kind of a test (as important as meeting her friends for the first time). Don’t be fooled. The moment you pick up that pitch fork, you begin to actively take part in her life in a way that is difficulty to walk away from.
If you want to fail at being a horse husband. just say no. Grab yourself a beer and watch. When she’s running late or struggling with some barn-related task, get frustrated and pace because she’s not running on time. Better yet, start telling her how she can improve. Nothing will doom a relationship with a horse girl faster than some well-timed advice about things you know nothing about.
3. Don’t go to horse shows
Horse shows are ‘her thing.’ They should stay that way. When she is away, the thing to do is get super frustrated and call…a lot. When she doesn’t instantly reply to all of your text messages, blame her for not caring. ‘Bad cell service’ isn’t real. Do this every time she goes away.
Perhaps a better way to fail at being a horse husband is to go to horse shows, but without taking an interest. Act as if it is her job to make sure you are doing okay, and to dote on you both physically and emotionally. If you are bored, get upset and blame her. If you are hungry, same thing. If you don’t know anyone and feel like a fish out of water, don’t get any crazy ideas like striking up conversations with others. If you are going to fail, the last thing you want to do is make any effort to become a part of her larger community. Big mistake.
4. Be intolerant of disorder
Her truck is a disaster, and she deposits hay, feed, and all manner of other things wherever she goes. Those riding pants may look sexy from a distance, but get too close and you’ll think twice before putting your head in her lap.
You, of course, like things ‘just so.’ Everything should be clean, and everything should be in its place. This is the right way to manage one’s life and anything different is just, well, lazy. If you want to fail at being a horse husband, judge her constantly because her messiness is just a symptom of some other deeper moral failing. Oh, and definitely try to change her. She will not thank you, and that good news if you want to fail at being a horse husband.
5. Be inflexible
When she is late, she will blame the horses. She will come up with some story about a horse getting out or getting injured. ‘Colic’ is just code for poor time management.
If you want to fail at being a horse husband, insist that the schedule comes first and that being late for anything is unacceptable. You know that lateness is a function of poor time management. ‘The horses’ are just a hobby after all, and being late because of a hobby is silly. If you want to fail at being a horse husband, make sure to be incredibly vocal in your opinion about just how silly and irresponsible her hobby actually is.
If you try all of the above and still find yourself in a relationship with a horse girl, don’t fear. There’s one last thing that you can do to guarantee that you will fail as a horse husband. In case of emergency, break glass and present her with an ultimatum: tell her she has to pick between you and the horses. For her, the choice is simple. The answer is always the horses.